Hansel and Gretal
by lightoftheworld
Summary: Hansel and Gretal are two normal kids in normal family...until their dad decides to marry an evil woman. When they try to stop the wedding, there are drastic and hilarious consequences.


**List of Characters**

By Mia and Company

In order of appearance:

Mother: A very small role of a simple, pretty wife who loves her children. Dies after first scene at about 35 years old. Dress: Typical 50's housewife. Fav. Band: Frank Sinatra

Father: A pretty big part of a stupid, mean father. Appears first half of play, about 40 years old. (Skinny, short guy.) Dress: Woodcutter outfit at beginning. Black in second scene. Disco outfit in third scene. Cowboy disco outfit in 6th scene. Fav. Band: Peaches & Herbs

George: One of the children. 3rd oldest sibling, 2nd oldest brother. Slightly stocky in figure, with long brown/blonde hair and not very tall. About 12 years old. Skateboarder. Fav. Band : The Ramones.

Albus: One of the children. 2nd youngest sibling, 2nd youngest brother. Small, skinny nerd with glasses and crew cut hair. About 10 years old. Wears nerdy clothes. Hair is smoothed down with side part. Fav. Band: Mozart

Nancy and Mary: Children. These are really two characters, but they talk at the same time and are never seen apart. They are the 3rd youngest siblings, (twins) and the youngest sisters. Two identical girls with short brown hair with About 11 years old. Abercrombie and Fitch from head to toe. (Possible bleached hair.) Fav. Band: Destinys Child and Beyonce.

John: Biggest children part besides Hansel and Gretal. Children. The oldest sibling. About 14 years old. Tall, "strapping" guy, jock. Fav. Band: 50 Cent (In Da Club)

Hansel: The youngest sibling. Overalls and t-shirt. About 9 years old. Very cute looking, with curly blonde hair. Fav. Band: Elmo

Gretal: The second oldest sibling and oldest sister. About 13 years old. Straight-legged jeans and sweatshirt. Band t-shirts. Short light brown hair. Fav. Band: Green Day (Boulevard of Broken Dreams)

Stepmother: About 25 years old. Fairly big part. Dress: Expensive designer clothes with bleached blonde hair and plastic surgery. (Everywhere!) Fav. Band: Madonna.

Beast/Bird 1: A very random beast that has no particular resemblance to anything, but still doesn't look like any alien. Changes into bird costume that is basically a blue cape with wings and a yellow nose.

Beast/Bird 2: Ditto, except could be a girl.

Florence: A servant of Wicorice, in typical maid outfit. About 20 years old with black hair. Florence is in a neutral position leaning toward the kid's side.

Sebastian: A servant of Wicorice, in typical butler outfit. About 40 years old and balding. Sebastian is in neutral position leaning towards the witch's side.

Wicorice: About 40 years old, wears black dress that is kind of slinky but rocker-like too. Pale skin and black hair with streaks of gray in it, is very long and straight. Tattoos and piercings allowed. Fav. Band: Black Sabbath

Norah: A very plain looking normal girl, average-length brown hair. Kind of dirty of outfit with jeans and t-shirt. About 11 years old. Fav. Band: Yellowcard

Margary: Pronounced with a hard g, as in "great." The younger sister of Gavin. About 12 years old. Wears clothes but slightly odd with mismatching socks, t-shirt with weird logo, that kind of thing. Probably glasses or something, anything to make her look weird. Fav. Band: Evanescence

Gavin: EXTREMELY HOT guy, about 14 years old. Black hair that is thick and kinda messy, muscles, etc. Wears polo shirt and jeans. Fav. Band: The Beatles

Jane: About 12 years old. Hippy style, with tye-dye, long hair, sunglasses, and lots of peace signs. Baggy clothes. Fav. Band: Grateful Dead.

**Hansel and Gretal**

**By Mia Nafziger**

**Scene 1, Act 1**

_Play starts in small cabin. The cabin has one entrance leading outside stage left, the other leading upstairs stage right. It has a fireplace and a rocking chair, which Mother is sitting in and Father is standing by her. Hansel, Gretal, George, Albus, Nancy, Mary, and John are all gathered around Mother and Father, who are reading aloud, Hansel and Gretal._

_Mother:_ So Hansel and Gretal live happily ever after. The end.

_Father:_ You know Hansel, your mother and I named you after the Hansel in this story.

_Mother to Father: _And Gretal.

_Father: _Yes, and Gretal too.

_George: _How come I didn't get named after someone!

_Albus: _Yeah!

_Nancy and Mary: _Yeah!

_John: _YEAH!

Hansel sticks his tongue out at all of them.

_Hansel:_ HAHA! YOU SUCK!

_Mother: _Well, because, um, all of you were named after the book George and Albus and Nancy and Mary and John.

_Hansel:_ Oh.

_Gretal: _That book doesn't exist.

_Mother: _Gretal!

_Gretal: _You can't lie to them forever. _She turns to them. _You know something else? Santa Claus doesn't exist either.

_Mother: _Gretal, stop!

_John: _Ah, I knew that. _In an undertone to Gretal he says: _You're lying, right?

_Gretal: _Nope. And there's no Tooth Fairy. Mom and Dad do all of that stuff.

_George: _What?

All of the kids except Gretal start crying. 

_Father: _Now look what you've gone and done!

Father and Mother usher all of the kids' offstage right, to bed. Gretal shrugs her shoulders and follows.

**End of Scene 1 Act 1** **Scene 2, Act 1**

Family, Stepmother, (though she is not a stepmother yet,) and Wicorice, plus several other unknown people, (actors playing other parts as unknown people,) are at a funeral outside the cabin. Stepmother is sobbing in a very fake way in the background.

Father: One score, and fifteen years ago, two people brought upon this planet a wonderful woman, well, then she was a baby, anyways, and this woman brought more children, and filled their life with happiness. We are met on the grave of that woman, otherwise known as my wife. We have come to dedicate a portion of that grave as a final resting place for the woman who near gave her life-

George: Well, duh it's dedicated to her. It's her grave.

Nancy: This is like,

Mary: Totally stupid.

Nancy: We need to go home

Mary: To re-bleach our hair.

John: Dad, this is just making mom's funeral worse.

Father: Excuse me, I am reciting my speech!

Gretal: No one cares about your stupid speech, you just copied it from Abraham Lincoln anyway.

Father: I did not!

John: I saw the speech you just crossed out some words and wrote in different ones.

Hansel, sniffling: Okay…in honor of mom I have written a song and I would like to you all to here it.

Gretal: Hansel no!

Albus: Aw Gretal just give him a break…if it makes him feel better.

Hansel: Thank you Albus. The song is called "Feather in the Wind"

Goodbye Mo-ommy

Though I never knew you at all (kind of)  
You had the grace to hold yourself  
While those around you were lazy

They crawled out of the your womb  
And they yelled at you, sometimes.  
They set you on the chore list  
And they made you change your name…to-MOMMY

And it seems to me you lived your life  
Like a feather in the wind  
Never knowing who to cling to  
When the rain set in  
And I would have liked to have known you  
But I was just a kid  
Your feather burned out long before  
I turned ten

Loneliness was tough  
The toughest role you ever played  
My dad made you a mom

And pain was the price you paid  
Even when you died  
Oh my dad hounded you  
All he had to say  
Was that he wanted the meatball you choked on.

Goodbye Mo-ammy.  
From the young man in the 22nd row  
Who sees you as something more than my mommy.  
More than just our mo-ammy!

Everyone stares at Hansel as he bows.

Hansel: Thank you, thank you.

Gretal: Hansel, you have humiliated me beyond all reason.

Hansel: Aw, you always say that.

George: But dude, she is seriously right this time.

Mary: We should go.

Nancy: Now.

Albus: Agreed. I want to watch the new NOVA thing on TV.

Gretal: No way. A new episode of "Days of our Lives" is on.

Father: Well can you all just leave me in peace!

Everyone except the stepmother leaves.

Stepmother: It's so terrible the way your children just ruined the funeral.

Father: I know. What did I do to deserve such children?

Stepmother: I think you need some cheering up. Why don't you come over to my house for a little while.

Father: Well I suppose I could…I mean, it wouldn't be like I'm doing anything wrong.

Stepmother: Of course not Dear.

They walk home, arm in arm, and Stepmother winks at the audience.

**End of Scene 2**

**Scene 3, Act 1**

Albus, Hansel, John, and George are all crying in the main room. Nancy, Mary, and Gretal are comforting them when Father walks in wearing a very flashy outfit with neon pink cowboy boots and an Elvis haircut.

Father: Why is everyone crying?

Everyone stops crying and they all look at him.

Father: Listen, I know your mother is dead, but guess what? I found someone new.

Hansel: Finally, dad! You're finally coming out of the closet.

Father: No… I'm marrying one of the women who came to your mother's funeral. I've gotten to know her pretty well.

Hansel looks very disappointed, and has a slight sigh.

George: Wait a second. Mom only died a week ago. Don't think this is a teeny-weeny itsy bitsy bit soon?

Hansel: Did you just say teeny-weeny? Oh, you must be coming out of the closet.

George: Dude, shut up, Hansel. Anyways, isn't this a little soon?  
Father: No, for if you think about it that's a lot of time, because one week is 600…6000…um…60…6. Oh forget it. But all of those are pur-etty big numbers.

John: Ever heard of mourning?

Father, stiffly: Yes.

Albus: Well, by definition, it means a period of sadness where one does not indulge in pleasures and wears black, the period being one year.

Father looks around at all of them wearing brown, bedraggled clothes.

Father: None of you are wearing black.

Gretal: That's because we also wore our mourning clothes for play clothes so they are now brown. Plus, Nancy and Mary and I are on strike so we refuse to wash any more clothes. For more information, call 1-800-NO-MORE-WASHING-CLOTHES, or go to our website at  getting out a pad and pencil: Oh, I'll have to write that down.

Nancy: Like, what kind of make-up,

Mary: Does she wear?

Father (still writing): I'm not sure. Don't remember.

John: Do you at least know her name?

Father: Can't say that I do.

Gretal: You said you knew her well! What are going to say when you marry her? I vow to marry the person standing next to me!

Father: I guess I'll just say, "I do."

_Hansel:_ I don't want a stepmother! I want my mommy!

_Hansel starts crying again._

_Gretal:_ I can't believe you'd do this to us! I thought we were a family.

_Gretal runs outside. Everyone follows except Father._

_Hansel:_ That's what I call dramatic.

_Gretal turns around._

_Gretal:_ It was on last week's episode of "Days of our Lives," remember?

_John: _Ahem. Perhaps we should try to decide what to do about Father and…that lady.

_Mary: _Steal something!

_Nancy: _Like her lipstick!

_John: _There's no point in that!

_Hansel: _Jump out and say boo to scare her!

_John: _Also no point.

_George: _Sic Gretal on her.

_Gretal: _No!

_Pause._

_Albus:_ I think that we should ruin their wedding.

_Everyone looks at him._

_Albus:_ What?

_John:_ What kind of idea is that? _John pauses. _Wait a sec! What if we ruin their wedding?

_George: _Dude, that's a great idea!

_Nancy:_ How would we,

_Mary: _ Do that?

_John:_ Ok, listen up everybody. I think I have a plan.

**End of Scene 3, Act 1**

**Scene 4, Act 1**

_John walks back and forth in front Hansel, Gretal, Nancy, Mary, George and_

_Albus. They all wear the same brown clothes as before. All have what John asks of them._

_John:_ Today is it, people. Today is when we make Father rue the day he agreed to let that little bit of slime marry him. Hansel, do you have the replacement rings?

_Hansel_: Copy that.

_John:_ You don't say copy that, you say roger.

_Hansel:_ Your name is John, not Roger.

_John:_ Roger means yes.

_Hansel:_ Oh. Right. Roger that. I mean...copy roger... I mean...roger.

_John:_ Gretal, do you have the spring?

_Gretal:_ Rogina.

_John:_ What does that mean?

_Gretal:_ It's the female term for roger.

_John:_ From now on, everybody says roger. No female terms.

_John looks directly at Gretal._

_John:_ Now, Gretal, do you have the spring?

_Gretal:_ Roger.

_George, quietly: _Ette.

_John:_ NO!

_George: _So-rry.

_John:_ Ok then. It's settled. Nancy, Mary, do you girls have the rug with dry ice attachments?

_Nancy and Mary nod._

_John:_ I believe I quite clearly stated that everyone says roger if they have what I asked.

_Nancy and Mary nod._

_John:_ So say roger.

_Nancy and Mary nod again._

_John: _Now!

_Nancy and Mary:_ Roger!

_John:_ George, do you have the fish oil cologne?

_George:_ Let me check.

_George begins looking on the ground._

_John:_ George.

_George looks up._

_George:_ What?

_John:_ The fish oil cologne is in your hand.

_George:_ Dude, so why did you ask me about it?

_John:_ Because it sounds important. Now hold onto that. You'll need it later. Albus, do you have the really, really, stupendously, amazingly, so-hot-you'll-never-believe-it pepper sauce?

_Albus:_ Actually, there are three reallys-

_John looks like he is going to explode._

_Albus:_ But...uh, yeah...roger.

_John:_ Good. I have the vows. Now everyone get in your places. The wedding ceremony will take place in half an hour.

_All exit stage._

**End of Scene 4, Act 1**

**Scene 5, Act 1**

_Many guests are there. Other actors play the guests again. Father wears a flashy white disco outfit, Stepmother a very revealing cowgirl outfit. All of the children are in their "places." Hansel stands behind the stepmother with the replacement rings. Gretal is bringing out the wedding cake she made, and inserting a spring in the table. Nancy and Mary are "fixing" the rug. George is handing Father his "cologne," and Albus is adding last minute ingredients to the food. Father waits at the end of the aisle for the stepmother. Hansel is the ring bearer, and Nancy and Mary share the position of flower girl. John is the preacher. The best man and maid-of-honor are George and Gretal. There are no bridesmaids. All actors are onstage as guests. Music starts playing in the background as Stepmother walks up the aisle, with country music playing in the background, followed by Nancy, Mary, and Hansel. She reaches the carpet and slips, falling on her backside. The children all step to the side of the rug._

_Stepmother:_ Aaaaah!

_Father stays where he is._

_Stepmother:_ Seeing as you asked, I'm fine!

_She continues up the aisle slipping and screaming. Finally, she makes it, and Nancy,_

_Mary, and Hansel step aside. _

_John:_ Today, we have come to uni-

_Stepmother:_ What is that smell?

_Father:_ It's my cologne; don't you like it?

_Stepmother:_ Like it? It smells like fish!

_John:_ Humph! May I continue?

_Father:_ Yes.

_John:_ Thank you. Today, we have come to unite these two people as husband and wife. They will love each other very much, even though one of them was once married before his wife choked on a meatball and died. He didn't go into mourning either, the stupid idiot-

_Stepmother:_ Ahem! Who wrote this?

_John:_ Naturally, I did, since I am the preacher.

_Father:_ May I see it?

_Father skims over it reading bits aloud._

_Father:_ Both jerks...not true love...treachery-Just skip to the "I do's."

_George:_ Awwwwww, man! Dude, I was really looking forward to hearing that!

_John:_ All right, but there was some good stuff in there. Do you, um...lady, foolishly accept to marry my ignorant father?

_Stepmother:_ Um...I guess?

_John:_ Are you sure?

_Stepmother:_ Well, what do you mean by foolishly?

_John:_ Clearly, the wedding cannot go on if the bride is unwilling to get married.

_Stepmother:_ Hey, wait! I want to marry him!

_Father:_ And I do want to marry her. Now John, finish it up.

_John sighs._

_John:_ You may give each other your rings.

_Father:_ But, don't we-

_John:_ No!

_Father:_ I thought we kiss-

_John:_ No!

_Father:_ All right. But are you sure-

_John:_ N-yes!

_Father and Stepmother take their rings from Hansel and put them on each other. _

_Father:_ Why did you get me a Styrofoam ring?

_Stepmother:_ Your tin foil ring is so much better!

_Father: _I thought we agreed on wood?

_Stepmother:_ Wood? No way, I'll stick with my tin foil ring.

_Father: _I still want a wooden ring! _He pouts._

_Stepmother: _We can get you your wooden ring later.

_Father sighs._

_Father: _Ok. Now let's dance!

_They set their rings downs. Hansel grabs them and puts them in his pocket._

_Lights and dance music come on, and the whole audience begins dancing (in disco outfits) to "Shake Your Groove Thing." _

_Everyone sings: _Shake it, shake it.Shake your groove thing, shake your groove thing, yeah yeah. Show 'em how to do it now. Shake your groove thing, shake your groove thing, yeah yeah. Show 'em how to do it now, show 'em how to do it now. Let's show the world we can dance, bad enough to strut our stuff.

_All of the children except Hansel watch in disgust. Hansel joins the dancing, until Gretal pulls him off the dance floor, and gets him to help her put a spring in the cake. Then she goes over to turn off the music. _

_Gretal: _Alright, come on, the dancing is supposed to be AFTER you eat.

_Everyone: _Ooooohhhhh!

_Gretal and the other kids get everyone seated. The guests sit around the table while Mary and Nancy serve the food._

_Mary: _Before you eat your food,

_Nancy: _Let us make it clear that once you do,

_Mary: _It shows your support for the wedding.

_Nancy: _Any weight you gain,

_Mary: _Or pain inflicted,

_Nancy: _Is not our concern.

_All the guests look nervously at each other._

_Father:_ Don't worry. I picked out the food myself. I'll even take a bite of chicken to show you how good it is.

_Father takes a bite of the chicken smiling. Suddenly he leaps up fanning his mouth because the food is so hot. He screams and runs around until Stepmother dumps a bucket of water on his head. _

_Stepmother: _How about we all have some cake?

_Stepmother leads the dripping Father to the cake. When she gets to the cake and picks up the knife, a cord attached to it pulls something, which pushes the spring, which throws the cake straight into Stepmother's face._

_Stepmother (in shock): _Who put that spring there?

_Silence._

_Stepmother: _I will find out, and when I do, you will regret you ever even came to this wedding, and I will rearrange your bedroom and hide your coffee grinder!

_Gretal: _You know how much I drink coffee.

_Stepmother: _Humph! You will regret this as soon as I finish that Martha Stewart magazine about rearranging furniture! Come on dear, help me get this stuff off.

_Stepmother and Father leave the stage. The guests look around, uncertain of what to do._

_Gretal: _If I were you, I'd leave.

_The guests start walking O.S. _

_Albus: _NOW!

_The guests scurry off the stage while the kids chase them off._

**End of Scene 5, Act 1**

**Scene 6, Act 1**

_All the children are in outside and Father and Stepmother are in the house._

_The children are leaning up against the door to listen._

_Stepmother:_ Dear, you may have noticed that we have very little money. The logging business isn't doing too well. You may lose your job and then it will be very difficult to feed the children. Maybe we should send a few of them away.

_Father:_ I will not send any of my children to the orphanage. The orphanage will be ruined and I'll never be able to show my face in town again.

_Stepmother:_ Exactly. So perhaps we should accidentally "lose" them in the forest. Then they could take care of themselves.

_Father:_ I am not a careless father. I would never lose my children.

_Stepmother:_ Oh, wake up! You would go on a walk and get rid of them!

_Father:_ Well then! What are we waiting for? Which children shall we get rid of?

_Stepmother: _The first ones you see.

_Father opens the door, and Stepmother and him step outside. All of the kids hide but Hansel is hiding behind a twig and Gretal is running to her hiding spot, so they are the first ones Father sees. _

_Father: _Ah, Hansel and Gretal. We're going on walk tomorrow after lunch, just us three. Now if I were you I would pack some clothes because you won't be coming back forever.

_Stepmother nudges him. _

_Father: _Ow! I mean, for a while.

_She nudges him again._

_Father: _Owwwwwww! I mean, for a minute.

_She nudges him again._

_Father: _Owwwwwww! For a second?

_Stepmother: _Don't pack anything because it's just a walk!

_She stamps inside._

_Father: _Yeesh! Talk about a big temper. Good night then!

_All the children in unison except for Hansel who is trying to eat a bug on his twig: _Good night, Father.

_Hansel: _Yummy bug!

_Father leaves. The children all exchange glances._

_Albus: _Now what are you guys going to do?

_Gretal: _Don't worry. Father will probably get lost himself and then we'll come home and kick Stepmother out.

_All the kids file inside. _

**End of Scene 6, Act 1**

**Scene 7, Act 1**

_Father, Hansel, and Gretal are walking in the forest. The cabin is right behind them._

_Father: (Singing to the tune of "It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood.")_ It's a beautiful day in the Evil Forest, a beautiful day in the Evil Forest, would you get lost? Could you get lost? _Father stops singing._ Ah, such a glorious day. I think I'll go pick some flowers and then I'll be right back.

_Father walks off, whistling_. _He opens the door of the house and walks in._

_Hansel:_ He deserted us! I didn't think he would do it! But that's ok. I left a trail of dirt to show us the way back.

_Gretal:_ Wow, great idea, except that the house is two feet away! Come on.

_They walk past two trees and are home. Father comes rushing back._

_Father:_ Let's go a little further into the forest.

_He practically drags them off-stage_.

_Father:(O.S.)_ I will be right back.

_Father runs across the stage and doubles around, sneaking past Hansel and_

_Gretal as they walk on stage._

_Hansel:_ Now what?

_Gretal:_ He went this way, I think.

_Hansel and Gretal walk O.S. They come back on and are deep into the forest._

_Gretal:_ I'm getting the idea, after walking around for 2 solid hours, that

Father did not go this way.

_Hansel:_ Well there's a thought. Maybe we should go home. It's almost time for dinner. I hope we're having spaghetti.

_Gretal:_ But more importantly, we're going to miss "Days of Our Lives." Anyway, what do you think we're trying to do?

_Hansel:_ If we were going home, we'd be home!

_Gretal:_ But we're lost so we can't go home!

_Hansel:_ You got us lost?

_Gretal:_ I did not!

_Hansel:_ You did!

_Gretal:_ I did not!

_Hansel:_ You did!

_Gretal:_ You did!

_Hansel stops and looks confused. Beast 1 growls._

_Hansel:_ W-What was that?

_Beast 2 steps out and so does Beast 1. They look very odd, with the characteristics of the animals described below._

_Beast 2:_ Your worst nightmare!

_Gretal:_ I'm not afraid of any old-um…Well, I'm not afraid.

_Beast 1:_ Oh yes, we forgot to introduce ourselves. I'm Beast 1 and this is my good friend Beast 2. We happen to be brothers.

_Hansel:_ Yeah, but what kind of animals are you?

_Beast 2:_ Oh, I'm sorry. We forgot that, too. Our parents were mixes. Our father was half lion and half hydra. Our mother was half leopard with a quarter cobra and a quarter boar.

_Gretal: _Well, I'm very pleased to meet you, Beast 1 and Beast 2. We're looking for a nice place to sleep made out of candy with an evil witch who eats children taking care of it. Do you happen to know where that is?

_Beast 2:_ Actually I do.

_Hansel: _Gretal, what made you think of that?

_Gretal: _Have you even read the script?

_Hansel: _A little bit.

_Beast 1: _Shall we bring you there?

_Beast 2: _We can't. We have to fight them unless they run away.

_Beast 1: _Sorry, we can't bring you there. You'll have to run away.

_Gretal: _Isn't there an option of fighting?

_Beast 2: _Yes…but-

_Hansel: _Charge!

_Hansel and Gretal run at the beasts, which run away._

_Gretal: _Too bad. They were just starting to grow on me.

_Hansel, singing: _"Gretal and The Beast. Ts."

_Gretal: _Shut up!

_Hansel and Gretal walk around the stage a couple of times. _

_Hansel: _I'm starting to feel like we're going in circles.

_Gretal: _We are not!

_They walk around in circles some more. _

_Hansel: _Okay, I really think we aren't getting anywhere.

_Gretal: _Can't you entertain yourself in some way!

_Hansel: _Fine. _Starts singing: _Da da da daaaaa, da da da daaaaaaa, Elmo's World! Da da da daaaaa, da da da daaaaa, Elmo's World! Elmo loves his crayons, his-

_Gretal: _SING SOMETHING ELSE!

_Hansel: _But that's my favorite Elmo song!

_Gretal: _Then don't sing at all!

_Beast 1 and 2 come on again with very bad bird costumes that don't really cover their Beast outfits. Gretal sighs with relief. _

_Gretal:_ A little late on cue!

_Beast 1: _Just get on with it.

_Gretal: _Look at those sweet birdies!

_Hansel: _Wait a second! Aren't those the Beasts?

_Gretal: _Let's follow them.

_Hansel: _I don't really want to. They look just like those Beasts.

_Birdie 1: _Geez! It's not our fault these costumes suck!

_Birdie 2: _He's not following the script anyway!

_Gretal: _Let's try that again. Look at those sweet birdies.

_Hansel, with mock enthusiasm: _They are really cute!

_Gretal: _Let's follow them.

_Hansel: _Gretal, remember that story mom told us about the two kids who followed beasts dressed up as birds and then the kids were lost and never heard from again?

_Gretal: _No.

_Hansel: _Well, she did tell us that and I think it means that this is not a good idea.

_Gretal: _Yes, but we should follow them.

_Hansel: _But-oh all right.

_Birdie 1: _Are you looking for a nice place to sleep made out of candy with an evil witch who eats children taking care of it?

_Gretal: _We are!

_Hansel: _We are?

Birdie 2: Are you or not?

Gretal: Yes!

Hansel: Yes?

Birdie 1: Well?

Gretal: Come on!

She drags Hansel O.S. The birdies follow.

**End of Scene 7, Act 1**

**Scene 1, Act 2**

_Now the scene is at the ginger bread house. It is a typical candy house, gingerbread walls, icing roof, candy garden, chocolate M&M garden path, etc. Florence is gardening lollipops. Sebastian is mending a crack in the gingerbread with icing. Hansel and Gretal walk onstage with Birdie 1 and Birdie 2 trailing behind._

_Florence:_ Why hello! Do you have an appointment with Wicorice?

_Hansel: _No.

_Florence: _Are you here to visit the museum?

_Hansel: _No.

_Florence: _Revenge or anger?

_Hansel, looking nervous: _No.

_Florence: _Then you must be victims.

_She looks at the birdies._

_Birdie 1: _We didn't tell them about this whole thing.

_Birdie 2, giving Florence meaningful looks: _I mean to say-_meaningful look_- they weren't captured-_meaningful look_-but they were taken here for fun! _He winks at Florence._

_Florence, catching on: _Ooooh, I see. Well, um, kids, why don't you tell me your names?

_Gretal_: I'm Gretal and he's Hansel. These birdies told us they knew of a nice place to sleep made out of candy taken care of by an evil witch who eats children, so here we are.

_Hansel_: What are you doing?

_Florence: _I'm gardening the lollipops. Come over here and I'll show you how it to do it.

_Hansel and Gretal go over to Florence and she begins showing them how. Sebastian steps towards Birdie 1 and Birdie 2._

_Sebastian:_ Why didn't one of you fly over to tell us they were coming? All of the captives are going to play in the yard now, and if-

_Birdie 1:_ What were we supposed to do? Besides, Wicorice will make sure they don't tell the kids anything. And Jane won't be coming out today.

_Birdie 2:_ We have to get going. We have a scene as beasts again in "Sleeping Beauty."

_Sebastian:_ I'll go get Wicorice.

_Birdie 1 and 2 leave stage with Sebastian. Sebastian comes back onstage with Wicorice. Wicorice has on a black beauty mask and is holding two slices of bloody cucumbers._

_Wicorice:_ Why in the world did you bring me out here? I need my beauty sleep!

_Sebastian:_ The beasts brought back-

_Wicorice:_ You mean the "birdies."

_Sebastian:_ Whatever! The birds brought back some children-uh…by the names of Hansel and Gretal I believe.

_Wicorice:_ Why didn't you say so? You may leave_. To Florence:_ They need you in the kitchens, dear.

_Florence: _Whose they? We don't have a kitchen staff!

_Wicorice: _Well I need you in the kitchens, so get lost!

_Florence and Sebastian exit stage. Wicorice walks toward Hansel and Gretal, who are licking the lollipops._

_Wicorice: _Nibble, nibble, gnaw. Who nibbles at my house?

_There is silence, where Hansel and Gretal continue licking the_

_lollipops._

_Wicorice:_ Ahem. Nibble, nibble, gnaw. Who-

_Gretal:_ Hey, we heard you the first time. We're not nibbling anyway!

_Wicorice:_ That is not the point. Now say the line!

_Hansel and Gretal sigh._

_Hansel and Gretal:_ The wind, the wind, the heaven-born wind.

_Wicorice:_ Why, it is two little children!

_Hansel:_ No duh! Just hurry up and invite us inside.

_Wicorice:_ I was just getting to that. Would you like to come in?

_Gretal, in a flat tone:_ No.

_Wicorice:_ I knew you'd like to.

_They walk off-stage._

**End of Scene 1, Act 2**

**Scene 2, Act 2**

_This scene is inside the house. There is a small kitchen with Crock-Pot in it and a large jail cell. Wicorice is giving Hansel and Gretal a tour of the house._

_Wicorice:_ Now here is the kitchen where I bake my favorites. Do NOT push me in the Crock-Pot or I will get very ticked off!

_Hansel, while she continues with the rest of her speech: _Tick tick tick tick tick tick _(Etc.)_

_Wicorice: _The menu for today is "Kiddy Pot Pie," and next week's will be "H&G a la mode." Over here is the dungeon, or the guest room where you will be staying.

_To Hansel: _Will you shut up!

_Hansel: _Tick.

_Wicorice: _The sooner I cook you the better!

_Hansel and Gretal stare at her._

_Wicorice: _I mean…the sooner I book you a new room the better. My room, laboratory, and the General Evil Purposes Room are back there. The other guest rooms are just next to you. If you go through that back door over there you will find a historical monument about the book Hansel and Gretal. I have an experiment going on, so if you'll excuse me.

_Wicorice leaves stage and Norah, Margary, and Gavin come on-stage._

_Norah:_ Who are you?

_Hansel:_ I'm Hansel and she's Gretal. We are going to spend some time here for a while so the witch gave us a dungeon cell.

_Margary:_ She's a witch?

_Gretal:_ Geez, haven't you figured that out yet? You live here!

_Margary: _No, how can you tell?  
_Gretal: _Uh, who eats "Kiddy Pot Pie?"

_Margary: _You have a point.

_Gavin:_ I'm Gavin, that's Margary, my sister, and over there is Norah, who has a sister named Jane who has been confined to her room for a while.

_Hansel:_ Confined?

_Norah:_ She had dangerous ideas, according to Wicorice.

_Hansel:_ But what does it mean?

_They all stare at him._

_Hansel:_ Never mind.

_Gretal: _So how did you guys get here?

_Norah: _Jane and I were lost in the Evil Forest and looking for our parents. Some beasts in really bad bird costumes came and led us here.

_Gavin: _That's exactly what happened to Margary and me!

_Margary:_ It's also the same as what happened in the story, "Margary and Gavin." Have you heard of that book?

_Gretal:_ Should I?

_Gavin:_ Well, it's about a brother and sister who are ditched in the forest by their parents and are captured by an evil witch. They escape in the end.

_Hansel:_ No, we haven't heard of it. But what a coincidence, there is a story identical to that called "Hansel and Gretal."

_Norah:_ There's also a story called "Norah and Jane." It's about two girls who get lost in the forest and are captured by an evil wizard. They also escape in the end.

_Gretal:_ Do you think there's a meaning in all this?

_Margary:_ Yeah, some brothers named Grimm are making money off fairy tales that are all the same!

_Hansel and Gretal look at each other._

_Hansel:_ How long have you guys been here?

_Gavin:_ Margary has always been like that. Go on.

_Gretal:_ We were thinking that Wicorice is evil.

_Norah:_ You know, that's funny, because my sister Jane has the same idea.

_Margary:_ Evil is a very strong word. Maybe you should say kinder things.

_Gavin: _Be quiet!

_Hansel:_ Perhaps Gretal and Jane should meet sometime.

_Gavin:_ Perhaps they should meet right now!

_Gretal: _Why not? Where is her cell?

_Margary:_ We're not allowed to tell you that.

_Gavin: _Sure we can. Norah, lead the way.

_Norah leads them all O.S._

**End of Scene 2, Act 2**

**Scene 3, Act 2**

_Norah leads Gretal to Jane's cell._

_Norah:_ This is it. I'm gonna go because I want to play kick ball with everyone else.

_Gretal:_ Let me introduce myself. The name's Smith, Gretal Smith.

_Jane:_ I didn't know you had a last name.

_Gretal:_ Me neither, but I'm a big fan of James Bond so I just thought I'd say that.

_Jane:_ Hey, me too! I'm Jane Bond!

_Gretal:_ Really?

_Jane:_ I wish.

_Gretal: _Oh.

_Jane: _So why are you visiting me?

_Gretal:_ I heard you thought the witch was bad, too.

_Jane: _Since she locked me up, I know she's not bad. She's sinful!

_Gretal:_ Ah, come on! Is that all you can come up with?

_Jane:_ How about unlucky?

_Gretal:_ You're hopeless.

_Jane:_ Now, I have a plan. First, we tell everyone. Then, we wait until there is a good moment to run away.

_Gretal:_ No way! We have to kill the witch, too.

_Jane:_ That wouldn't work.

_Gretal: _Why?

_Jane: _Because there's a risk.

_Gretal: _There's a risk no matter what!

_Jane: _There's a smaller risk in running away.

_Gretal: _How about we just introduce the idea to the other kids? Then they can tell us what they want.

_Jane: _I suppose so.

_Gretal: _Be very quiet so Wicorice doesn't hear you. Now let's go.

_They walk O.S. together._

**End of Scene 3, Act 2**

**Scene 4, Act 2**

_All of the kids are lined up in front of Gretal. They are in the front yard of the house._

_Gretal:_ Jane and I have something to tell you.

_Hansel: _I knew this was a bad idea! Now they're getting married!

_Gretal: _No! A discovery!

_Hansel: _See, they're coming out of the closet!

_Gretal: _No! Wicorice is a creepy old witch and we are going to get rid of her!

_Everyone starts cheering except Jane and Norah._

_Hansel: _Pheew! I can't fold hats yet, so I can't live by myself.

_Gretal: _You don't fold hats, dummy!

_Hansel: _I know, I can't.

_Gretal: _I mean you DON'T fold-

_Hansel: _I know, I-

_Gretal: _Never mind.

_Jane:_ Wait a second. I thought we just ran away.

_Hansel:_ In "Hansel and Gretal" they defeat the witch and run away.

_Norah:_ In "Norah and Jane" they just run away.

_Wicorice comes onstage and stands behind Gretal._

Gretal: The better plan is to vanquish the witch so she does no more harm, so that's what we're going to do!

_Hansel:_ (Cough) Gretal.

_Gretal:_ I know it's dangerous, but we can get rid of Wicorice if we work together.

_Gavin, louder: _(Cough) Gretal!

_Gretal:_ You can help too, Gavin

_Jane, louder:_ (Cough) Gretal!

_Gretal:_ What?

_Wicorice:_ You certainly are a clever girly, aren't you? Hansel, you're going in the cage! Jane, get back in your cell. And the rest of you, go and help Florence and Sebastian.

_Everyone leaves stage._

**End of Scene 4, Act 2**

**Scene 5, Act 2**

_Hansel sits inside a cage. All the children sit around her when Gretal walks in and sets down a tray piled with food._

_Hansel:_ I still don't understand. If Gretal did the bad thing, why am I in here?

_Norah:_ I heard her talking. She's going to fatten Hansel up to eat, and eventually push Gretal in the oven.

_Gretal:_ Who was she talking to?

_Norah:_ I don't know, I wasn't looking at them; I was hiding in the closet.

_Hansel: _What happened when you came out of the closet? Heh heh, get it?

_Gretal: _Oh shut up Hansel. What closet?

_Norah: _ Does it matter?

_Gretal: _It does to me!

_Hansel: _Hello? Can we focus at the present situation here? This place sucks! Its so small and cramped…_He looks around. _And there's dynamite in it!

_Everyone: _What?

_Hansel: _And matches!

_Margary: _I hate dynamite! Let's burn it!

_Everyone looks at her._

_Hansel: _Or not.

_Margary: _But then the dynamite would be gone.

_Hansel: _So would I!

_Margary: _Oh. Yeah.

_Gavin: _ Everyone leave. She's coming.

_Gretal:_ Hansel, here's a turkey bone I found. It might come in handy.

_Hansel:_ How?

_Gretal:_ Be grateful! At least I gave you something!

_Everyone leaves the stage. Wicorice comes on._

_Wicorice:_ Well, my little dumpling, how are you feeling?

_Hansel:_ I'm not your dumpling, and I feel terrible, you witch!

_Wicorice: _I am a witch. But if you won't tell me, then it's time for a physical examination.

_Hansel: _Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew!

_Wicorice: _No no no!

_Hansel: _Phew!

_Wicorice: _Stick out your finger.

_Hansel: _Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew!

_Wicorice: _What's so gross about that?

_Hansel: _Well…

_Wicorice: _Okay, I don't want to know.

_Hansel sticks out the turkey bone. Wicorice feels it with her eyes shut._

_Hansel: _Why don't you open your eyes and look?

_Wicorice:_ Do you want me to?

_Hansel: _No.

_Wicorice: _That's what I thought._ She rubs the turkey bone, which is huge. _You have very smooth skin!

_She continues rubbing it._

_Hansel: _ Uh, back off, lady.

_She lets go of it abruptly._

_Wicorice: _Well, I think you're definitely fat enough.

_Hansel: _Wait! That wasn't my finger.

_Wicorice:_ Ok?

_Hansel sticks out his real finger._

_Hansel:_ This is my finger.

_Wicorice feels it._

_Wicorice:_ Do you think I'm stupid? I know that this is just a bone!

_Hansel: _No, really! It's my finger!

_Wicorice: _Whatever. You're going into the Crock-Pot tomorrow.

_Wicorice exits. Gretal returns onstage._

_Gretal: _Oh my gosh, I can't believe she is really going to cook you!

_Hansel: _You have to do something Gretal, and save me!

_Gretal: _I don't know, you have been pretty annoying lately.

_Hansel: _Gretal, this is my life we're talking about!

_Gretal: _Your point is?

_Hansel: _Wouldn't you feel guilty if I died and you knew you could have saved me?

_Gretal is silent, and looks at her nails and then at the ceiling._

_Hansel: _Fine, I swear that we can watch your first season DVD of "Days of Our Lives" every night until it's due on the 18th.

_Gretal: _Now that's more like it!

_Hansel: _So are you gonna kill the witch or what?

_Gretal: _I was more thinking like, maybe disabling the Crock-Pot.

_Hansel: _That's your brilliant idea?

_Gretal: _You know what, maybe I should just make it set to 1000 degrees Celcius so you burn a hot, sizzling, and slow death.

_Hansel: _Okay okay, do whatever you want, just go do it now!

_Gretal: _Alright, keep your shirt on, I'm going.

_Gretal exits stage right and Hansel sighs._

**End of Scene 5, Act 2**

**Scene 6, Act 2**

_The stage is dark, but a dim light grows a little to show the kitchen and Gretal slowly tip-toeing onto the stage, to the beat of the "Mission Impossible" theme which is playing in the background. She reaches the Crock-Pot, and just when she is turning around the lights flash on and Gretal screams._

_Florence: _Oh sorry, I was going to go do some cooking, but I can see you're busy in here. I'll just go sweep the front porch.

_Gretal sighs and says: _Um, yeah, okay.

_Gretal goes back to work at slowly taking off the back of the Crock-Pot, and the lights turn off again as Florence leave. The music comes back on. Then, a dark figure suddenly pops out and yells out, and the light flashes on again. _

_Gavin: _BOO!

_Gretal: _AAAAAH!

_Gavin: _Haha, I got you bad on that one.

_Gretal: _You idiot, don't you know that I'm saving Hansel here?

_Gavin: _Oops, sorry, I thought you were sneaking us some more food. I'm tired of raw meat.

_Gretal: _Well, get out now and we might actually get to eat something good for a chance.

_Gavin: _I'm gone.

_Gretal: _Okay, go.

_Gavin:_ I'm leaving.

_Gretal: _Then leave.

_Gavin: _I'm going.

_Gretal: _Fine then.

_Gavin: _Okay. It's settled.

_Gavin walks out and the lights turn off again. The music continues yet again, and Gretal once again begins fiddling with the Crock-Pot. Then the lights flash on again Wicorice walks on stage._

_Gretal: _What the heck would you please stop interrupting me people!

_Wicorice looks at her, eyebrows raised._

_Gretal: _So that I can fix the Crock-Pot, hang on a sec.

_Gretal leans over only to be blasted in the face by an electrical explosion from the Crock-Pot. Gretal turns around and her face is completely black because of the shock._

_Gretal: _Um, yes, that should have fixed it.

_Wicorice: _Oh, that's great, because it was broken and I wasn't sure what we were going to use to cook Hansel with. We really could use some meat around here.

_Gretal: _Oh, well are you sure the Crock-Pot works after I fixed it?

_Wicorice: _Yeah, you just fixed didn't you?

_Gretal: _Oh. Yes.

_Wicorice: _Okay then. I have decided that he will be wrapped in bread, because his skin was so hard and smooth that it certainly will taste better that way.

_Gretal:_ You're going to eat him?

_Wicorice: _You think I just cook people for the fun of it?

_Gretal:_ Yes.

_Wicorice:_ Oh. Well then. Turn on the Crock-Pot.

_Gretal: _Okay, but it might not work…

_Gretal turns it on, and of course it worked._

_Wicorice: _Alright, so stick your head in the Crock-Pot to see if it's hot enough.

_Gretal: _It's a Crock-Pot, you don't test the temperature.

_Wicorice: _I always have tested it with my head.

_Gretal: _Well, then why don't you show me how so I can do it?

_Wicorice: _Are you on stupid pills? It's easy. You just stick your head in the Crock-Pot.

_Gretal: _Are you on stupid pills, because that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard?

_Wicorice: _Fine. Be that way.

_Gretal: _Show me and then I'll try.

_Wicorice sticks her head in the Crock-Pot. Gretal does nothing for about a minute._

_Wicorice: _You're supposed to push me in!

_Gretal: _You won't fit!

_Wicorice: _Well this is a toughy.

_Gretal: _I have an idea!

_Wicorice: _What is it?

_Gretal puts her head by the Crock-Pot and whispers something to Wicorice._

_Wicorice: _That's a great idea!

_Gretal turns to the audience._

_Gretal: _If any of you in the audience are afraid of watching people in Crock-Pots, we will yield to your extremely odd phobia, and the death of Wicorice will not be seen on-stage.

_Gretal pushes the table with the Crock-Pot off-stage. Wicorice follows. Gretal comes back on alone._

_Gretal: _Oh dear. I do believe the witch is dying.

_Wicorice, from off-stage, in a bad acting voice, supposedly filled with pain: _Oooh, the pain. Owch.

_Gretal: _Owch?

_Wicorice: _Hey, you wanna die?

_Gretal: _Fine. Let's just finish this.The witch is dead! Long live the witch!

_Sebastian, Florence, Jane, Margary, Gavin, Norah, Beast 1&2 and Birdies 1&2 all run on._

_Sebastian: _What happened?

_Florence: _Who is the new witch?

_Gretal: _I pushed the witch into the Crock-Pot!

_Jane: _She was going to cook you in a Crock-Pot?

_Gretal: _Actually she was going to cook Hansel in the Crock-Pot. And what do you mean who is the new witch?

_Florence: _You said long live the witch.

_Gretal: _That's what people say when the queen dies!

_Florence: _They mean long live the new queen.

_Gretal: _Oh. I see.

_Hansel, from inside the closet: _I have an announcement everyone.

_Hansel opens door dramatically._

_Hansel: _I am coming out of the closet.

_Gretal: _You are? I never would have believed it! I thought you were straight!

_Hansel: _Well you can't expect me to stay in here all day, now can you?

_Jane: _One can always hope.

_Hansel steps out of the closet. _

_Gretal: _Shut the closet door.

_Hansel tries to shut it._

_Hansel: _It won't close! I can't, there's all this green paper in the way. _He grabs a paper shredder that is sitting on the ground next to the closet door . _Oh, here's something to get rid of it with!

_Jane:_ Don't do that! It's wasting trees!

_Gretal sighs: _Okay, let's put it in Hansel's drawing pile.

_John and Gretal walk over to the paper._

_John: _I have a really bad cold so I think I'll just use the paper to blow my nose. Green is my favorite color.

_John picks up a piece of paper. _

_John: _HANSEL YOU IDIOT! THIS IS MONEY!

_Everyone: _WHAT?

_Gretal picks up a bill._

_Gretal: _And these are 100,000 million dollar bills!

_Everyone: _Hooray!

_Hansel: _Gretal, does this mean we can leave now?

_Margary: _You can't leave!

_Norah: _Yeah!

_Gavin: _We'll be here all by ourselves.

_Gretal: _We're not going to leave.

_Hansel: _But how will we survive?

_Gretal: _Well, we DID just find hundreds of millions of dollars! Using it, we're going to start…a candy company! And it will be called, "Gersheys!"

_Norah: _Why Gersheys?

_Gretal: _Because my name starts with the letter G.

_Jane: _Awesome!

_Norah: _Cool!

_Gavin: _Totally tubular.

_Hansel: _But what about our brothers and sisters at home?

_George, Albus, John, Nancy, and Mary run onstage._

_Siblings: _Surprise!

_Hansel: _Things just couldn't get any better!

_Gretal: _Yes they could.

_A duck waddles onstage._

_Hansel: _A duck?

_Gretal: _The script says swans!

_Florence: _We had a budget cut.

_Beast 2: _So that explains our crappy costumes.

_Gretal: _Now that things are back to normal, let's get started on that candy.

_Hansel: _No one ever came out of the closet in this whole play!

_Hansel pouts._

_Duck: _Quack quack.

_Gavin: _Oh, but the duck says he did.

_Hansel: _Wow, what a perfect ending!

_Everyone but the duck, Hansel, and Gretal goes into the house._

_Hansel: _Do you think we should write all this stuff down?

_Gretal: _Yeah! We can write a play called "What The Grimm Brothers Didn't Tell You, And How You Can Sue Them For It."

_Hansel: _I was thinking of calling it "Hansel."

_Gretal: _"Gretal" would be a way better name!

_Hansel: _But Hansel comes first in the alphabet.

_Gretal: _No it doesn't! Gretal goes first.

_Hansel: _Prove it.

_Gretal: _All right I will. _Singing. _A, B, C, D, E, F, **G!**

_Hansel: _Ok I get it! Let's call it "Hansel and Gretal."

_Gretal: _Only if I get to write it.

_Hansel: _Deal.

_Everyone else comes back on stage suddenly. _

_Gavin: _We can't end the play like this!

_Wicorice: _Yeah no kidding.

_Hansel: _Aaaaaah! Where did you come from?

_Wicorice: _Never you mind.

_Gavin: _Ahem. I say we sing a song.

_Gretal: _A song? You're not serious. This play has had enough singing.

_Gavin: _Here's a good song. _Gavin sings: _We all live in a yellow submarine, a yellow submarine, yellow submarine. We all-

_Gretal: _We DON'T live in a yellow submarine.

_Gavin: _True enough.

_Father: _Let's sing "We Are Family!"

_Gretal raises her eyebrows. Everyone else, however, cheers and gets excited. _

_Gretal: _ABSOLUTELY NO!

_Gavin: _Then **I** know what we should sing!

_Everyone sings altogether: _"All You Need Is Money." (To the tune of "All You Need is Love.") _Soloists are Gretal, Hansel, _

_Everyone: _Money, Money, Money.  
Money, Money, Money.  
Money, Money, Money.

There's nothing you can do that can't be done.(Without money)  
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung. (Without money.)  
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game.  
With money.

Nothing you can make that can't be made. (Without money.)  
No one you can save that can't be saved. (Without money.)  
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time.  
Money can help.

All you need is money.  
All you need is money.  
All you need is money, money.  
Money is all you need.

All you need is money.  
All you need is money.  
All you need is money, money.  
Money is all you need.

Nothing you can know that isn't known.  
Nothing you can see that isn't shown.  
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.  
You need money.

All you need is money.  
All you need is money.  
All you need is money, money.  
Money is all you need.

All you need is money (All together, now!)  
All you need is money. (Everybody!)  
All you need is money, money.  
Money is all you need.  
Money is all you need (money is all you need).  
Money is all you need (money is all you need).  
Money is all you need (money is all you need).  
Money is all you need (money is all you need).  
Money is all you need (money is all you need).  
Money is all you need (money is all you need).  
Money is all you need (money is all you need).  
Money is all you need (money is all you need).  
Money is all you need (money is all you need).  
Money is all you need (money is all you need).  
Money is all you need.  
Yee-hai!  
Money is all you need.  
Money is all you need.  
Tomorrow.

Money is all you need.  
Oh  
Money is all you need.  
Oh yeah!  
I love you, yeah yeah yeah.  
I love you, yeah yeah yeah.  
Money is all you need.  
Money is all you need.  
Money is all you need.  
Money is all you need.

_Everyone finishes bowing, and walk offstage. _

**The End**


End file.
